My Top 10 Heart Breaking Songs

Music plays an important role in my life and lately I’ve been listening to a lot of heart breaking songs. I’m having a bit of emotional roller coaster recently with depressive tweets and quotes. Let’s just say that I am having episodes of fucked up life lately and I am trying to fix things up now, wish me luck in that department. Moving on, here are my top 10 heart breaking songs.

 Click here for the Spotify playlist I made just for this blogpost.

1. Everytime by Britney Spears

This is my go to jam whenever I feel sad or unappreciated. This is the best song ever existed on this entire earth. As a Britney Army, this is my Britney jam. 

2. Fools by Troye Sivan

Troye Sivan is a genius and tbh I've been listening to Fools since last year and this has been my fav eversince.I can relate to this song, it's like my life anthem. Falling in love is a foolish act.  p.s: I use Fools as my iPhone ringtone.

3. Fingertips by Leo Kalyan 

This I blame my best friend Liya. My favourite part has gotta be the chorus. I mean who doesn't?

I feel it in my fingertips

And the edges of my lips

Are you listening, are you listening

Listen to me.

4. Do You Remember by Jarryd James

Only love could ever hit this hard.

I secretly cry to this song at night and now it is not a secret anymore! The lyrics do cut deep into my soul and I couldn’t help myself but to indulge myself to the lyrics and let my emotions take control over me.

 5. Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis
This was my ultimate break up song. There’s a history in this song that I could never ever forget. I am pretty sure everyone would remember their first love break up song. Or is it just me?

6. All Too Well by Taylor Swift

Damn girl, Taylor Swift sure knows how to write a good damn heart breaking song. I mean come on, I love all of her break up songs. A heart breaking playlist without Taylor Swift is incomplete. I repeat, incomplete.

7. Cinta Ini Membunuhku by D’Masiv

I have to admit, Cinta Ini Membunuhku is my go to karaoke song. I used to share this song to someone I did like and the person knows that this is my kind of love song which is to be honest a bit of heart breaking. 

8. Don’t Wanna Be Your Girl by Wet

Recently, I’ve listened to this song a lot. I don’t know why but I can feel the sorrow in this song.

9. Take A Bow by Rihanna

Singing along to this is a must. I mean come on, the lyrics is simple and understandable, But it's over now. How simple is that? 

10. The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez's AMA 2014 performance to this song is enough to let me fall in love with this song. The sincerity of this song captures my heart and I fell in love with Selena Gomez even more since then. The Revival album as well as For You album are my favourite, and singing along to all of her song is a must. And I am wondering, why arent there any sponsorship for me to meet Selena Gomez at her Revival tour in Shah Alam? Trust me, I wont fail to sing and dance to all of Selena Gomez's song. 

Semester 1, Year 2 recap

I am so glad that the final examination is finally over. The hectic and stress since a month ago is finally lift off from my shoulder. Degree life is no joke, especially when it comes to Computer Science (not that I am biased or anything but I am pretty sure every programme has their own difficulties as well). I had thoughts of giving up when the light at the end of the tunnel seems very dim. But thanks to my coursemate ofcourse, nothing is impossible.

A month before final exam is when the struggle is real. You have to juggle between assignment(S), test(S), quiz(ES), project(S) and also to add the cherry on top preparing yourself for presentation(S). Not that I have problem with presentation since I have been doing it literally ever since primary school (p.s: we won the Sarawak State Level Solar Car Race due to our charming and excellent presentation). But the point is, to juggle ourselves between all of this is tiring. I dont even have time to think about blogging (!). Also, I secretly believe that all of our lecturers decided to agree on the same due date for all of the subjects project.

This was being uploaded by my faculty dean.

Project(S) for Computer Science student is not easy, we have to do programming (as if this alone is not difficult enough), report writing, documentation, and even presentation. I mean programming alone is already hard, but the meticulousness needed in doing the report, documentation and also presentation is silly. I dont even think it's necessary since in the end, the assessment is based on the functionality of the system during the demonstration.

I am pretty sure that the students will benefit this one month semester break as much as I do. I need to fix my sleeping pattern and also my eyebags. Not forgetting to reset my goals and to plan more and more on efficient time management for me.

No joke, I was very depressive. 

Overall, I have to say that every semester it is getting tougher. There is no time for error. I have approximately 5 semester left till graduation. That is if I finished my programme on time. Fingers crossed for another hectic semester. My sleeping pattern has been officially fxcked lately. I need proper sleep. This is no fun at all. 

With love,

THE STRUGGLING STUDENT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE.

Changing phase.

2015 is almost over and it is that time of the year for me to have a recap of things that happened this year.  2015 has been a really tough year for my family and I. My grandmother’s passing was very unexpected although she has been diagnosed with a 4^th stage cancer last year but we are not prepared or even has the slightest thought of losing her forever. Memories stayed but the fact that she is no longer around is really dreadful. I have countless of night crying myself to sleep whenever I miss her. I’ve spend almost 20 years of my life living with her, and now that she’s gone I just couldn’t think straight sometime. I do face some depression a few times but I keep it to myself. Because I am not the type of person that easily share my deepest and darkest thoughts.

There are things that I glad I did, and there are some that I regret doing. But life itself is a learning process. Without losing, winning actually means nothing. I’ve gotten myself a tattoo, finally joined the Sarawak Bloggers Society, my laptop broke and I got a new one, semester 2 was fucked up which I am hoping semester 3 wont suck that much (final exam is less than a week), my music preference changes over time, Britney Spears still is and always be my idol and I have a new baby brother (Kenneth Melvin).

Basically a lot of thing had happened. I don’t know if I am still the same person I was a year ago or maybe I changed a lot. I don’t feel anything changes around me, except I’ve moved into a new house and the neighbourhood is so peaceful.  

As for love life, oh God, that area is not my expertise. A lot of my friends are getting together with each other and all I can do is just be happy for them. I have a bad record when it comes to this. Maybe I was destined to be forever alone till I die. Maybe my funeral won’t have a wake since only a few people would come to it. I admit that I am a very bad person or even a friend. I have bipolar issue with myself.

I just hope that 2016 will be the year where everything is working well enough for me, my family and everyone around me.

Till then,

Bryan Marshall. 

Getting Inked

A lot of people has been asking why did you get a tattoo, does it hurt, why did you choose that design, what does Psalm 23:4 says and etc. Some of you may have followed my Instagram or Snapchat might know about this tattoo of mine. And I am glad to say that I am no longer a tattoo virgin anymore. I've always wanted a tattoo but never had a chance to do it. Finally, on the 15th September 2015, I've plucked up all of my courage and head over to Borneoheadhunters Tattoo Studio which coincidentally where my mom had her first tattoo as well. 

This tattoo is a tribute to my grandma and as you all know she died of cancer back in April. My grandma was my superwoman that I've grown and live with my whole entire, short, less than 20 years of life. She was the source of my strength to keep going. Without her, I may not be at where I am today, pursuing my degree in a public university. Which I am proud of because public university is what my grandma believes in. 

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil, for ou are with me;

Your rod and your staff,

They comfort me.

This particular verse was engraved on my grandma’s tombstone and I must admit that I meant a lot to me. So that is one of the reason why this verse was so close to me. The anchor represent a hope that whatever happen in life, I will always stay grounded with both of my feet on the ground. Because that is what my grandma wants, to always keep on going pursuing your dream and to never give up. 

I’m getting a bit teary right now, lol. Anyway, the inking process was made by Robin and to be honest, I was scared as shit. My hands were shaking but after the needle finally penetrates the skin, I knew that it was too late to back up. The pain was bearable, but the pain behind this tattoo is much more than the physical pain that was poking through my skin for an hour. 

The hole in my soul relieved when the inking process was over. I finally had something permanent on me to remember my grandma by. Truth be told, I am afraid of losing my memory of her. Her voice, the touch of her warm skin, the smell of her cooking in kitchen and ever her gray hairs which I constantly plucked on her request. All those little things meant the whole world to me. I miss you so much Inik, I would do anything to turn back time and spend more time with you. But I know that God loves you more. Rest in peace my angel up above. 

Decorating your boring college room.

So how was it people? I know, the college dormitory might not live up to your expectation but look on the bright side, you could always do something about it. I'm a bit of a Tumblr inspired kind of person, I used to scroll down my Tumblr or WeHeartIt looking at decorated room photos so basically ideas came rushing to my brain to decorate my college room.

A lot of my friend know my so called "interior designing" skills when it comes to decorating my college room. It all started since Asasi and continued till then.

Back in Asasi, I have a thing for fairy lights and instax photos. And here it goes;

On the walls are posters on Audrey Hepburn, Twiggy, Keep Calm (it was trending back then so don't judge me) and also a motivation quotation to keep me motivated when studying. I love love love my study table back then and it was definitely a main attraction in my room. Imagine yourself feeling so down during the day and get back to this is pure heaven. Days passed and your taste in things changed, well mine does. I have a bipolar issues with myself. 

Moving on from Asasi and then there comes Degree, I have clean slate to decorate the room with and I was really excited for it but little do I know that the room was such a @*&$@!(&!)&)!$!. Pardon my French. At first, I was like "What the (*$@*$ kind of room is this?". I was complaining and whining on Twitter the whole day and then one day it just hit me. Well, after a round of listening to Drown by Bring Me The Horizon, I've decided to scroll down Tumblr and WeHeartIt for some depressive looking bedroom ideas and tada, here is the outcome!

Getting a new room is like getting a new sketch book, you can do whatever you want with it.But sadly, I no longer live here. Lulz, currently I'm sharing a room with 3 roommates so I dont bother to decorate it heavily, just some minor touches here and then.

So here are the tips to make your room look better or nicer;

1. Keep it tidy and clean.
2. Login/Sign up to Tumblr or WeHeartIt for inspiration.
3. DIY stuffs/tutorial online 
4. Filters :P

And currently I have an obsession with lanterns, so yeah. 

Rest In Peace Inik, we love you

Hi there and I am so sorry for neglecting my blog for almost 4 months.

I had too many things going on in my life. It has been pretty hectic and so fast. I swear I lost track of time. 2015 has been a really tough year for me. I don't know where to begin it with. It is by far one of the worst year my family and I had. And I just could not believe everything that had happened. It goes by with just a blink of an eye.

See this pretty lady over here, this is my late grandmother Jane Jenie anak Jilum. She is the strongest, bravest, courageous, kindest, lovely woman I have known in my entire short almost 20 years of life. My grandmother was the one that will always be there for me through thick and thin since both of my parents divorced when I was still a little baby. She took care of me ever since. It has been  a rough 3 weeks without her. She passed away on the 24th of April 2015 and only God knows how heart broken I am deep inside. I broke down too many time that day because half of me was gone with her. I could not imagine a life without her and now I am actually living a life without her and it is devastating. I miss her a lot. But I need to be strong for my family and I. My grandmother has only one dream for us, the grandchildren and that is to graduate from university. She emphasizes on the importance of education for us because all she wants was the best for each and everyone of us. The saddest thing about it is that she could not attend any of her grandchildren's graduation. She could not be in the crowd cheering for us when we are up on the stage receiving our certificate or even be in the picture with us .

I am sorry I could not buy you things with my very own hard earned money, I am sorry for not being able to buy you the things I've dreamed of giving you once I had a job, I am sorry for all the wrongdoings I did to you, and out of all I am sorry for being such a pain in the ass.

This sadness within me is something I could not describe literately or verbally because my love for her is beyond words. A week before she passed away, I was leaving Bintulu for Kuching. I was there taking care of her every need for a week since it was a mid term break. Never would I ever imagined that it was the last kiss and farewell we had.

I will forever cherish the moment I had with her and I promised to take good care of my grandpa because he is the only one I had left. I will make you proud inik, I will fulfill the dreams you had set up for me. I want you to be happy up above.

"We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God". - Acts 14:22 NIV